


Actual Fake Relationship

by CatrinaSL



Series: 100 Ways to Say I Love You [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 100 ways to say i love you, Alcohol, Aromantic, Aromantic Darcy Lewis, Attempted Matchmaking, Bad Matchmaking, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fandom Acefest 2k18, Gen, Matchmaking, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, SHIP DARCY LEWIS WITH ALL THE THINGS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-03-29 18:09:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13932471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatrinaSL/pseuds/CatrinaSL
Summary: When scientists turn yenta, what Bruce and Darcy need is an actual fake relationship.





	1. Ruse

**Author's Note:**

> Included in [Fandom Acefest 2k18](https://fandomacefest.tumblr.com/) for Prompt Two: Trope Inversion/Subversion!
> 
> Thanks to phoenix_173 for her beta skills!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy and Bruce come to an arrangement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 14\. “Can I have this dance?”

Darcy sighed, put her gin and tonic down on the bar behind her, and turned to survey the room. Usually she liked Tony Stark's parties, but they weren't as fun when she was trying to hide from Jane.

Jane didn't normally attend these kinds of things, but when Thor was in town, she stopped being Science!Jane and became Matchmaker!Jane. Science!Jane neither knew nor cared whether there was such a thing as Darcy's love life, but Matchmaker!Jane seemed to think that her life was not complete unless she and Thor were going on double dates with Darcy and... whoever. It didn't seem to matter to Matchmaker!Jane  _ who _ Darcy was blissfully and romantically happy with, as long as she  _ was _ .

Darcy missed Science!Jane.

So far, at this particular party, she'd danced with Sif, Hogun, Tony (who didn't count because he was taken) and Steve Rogers. She had turned down Fandral (whose sticky-sweet romantic lines made her ill) and Thor (what would be the point of dancing with Jane's man?), but she was sure that soon there would be another suitor asking for her hand. Staying out of sight of Matchmaker!Jane helped, but any second now...

Someone cleared their throat behind her. "Can I have this dance?"

Darcy sighed and spun the barstool to face him. "Did Jane send you?" she asked.

He looked confused. "No, I... came myself. Is that a no?"

"Not because I don't love you, Bruce," she assured him. "But Jane's been shoving me at eligible and ineligible bachelors all night. Can we just sit?"

"Sure," he said, smiling. "Tony's been doing the same thing to me, actually. Only, y'know, bachelorettes."

"Yeah," Darcy nodded, then swept up her drink. "Solidarity," she said, offering the edge of her glass to toast with his.

"Oh," Bruce said, looking awkward with no beverage in his hand. "Uh..." He waved at the bartender, but Darcy laughed.

"It's fine," she said, toasting anyway and knocking back the rest of her drink. "You get the idea."

She set the empty glass back on the bar and swiveled again, checking the last spot she'd seen Matchmaker!Jane. She wasn't there, but Darcy spotted her easily: standing with Thor and Tony, and looking straight at her. Or, more specifically, at her _and Bruce_.

"Do you wanna get out of here?" she asked him immediately.

He blinked at the abrupt question. "Uh... I guess?"

"Because our matchmakers are staring at us, and if we leave, we won't have to dance with anyone else, and if we leave  _ together _ ..."

"You're brilliant," Bruce told her.

"Awesome," Darcy agreed. "Okay, so you should probably start by smiling like you like me."

"I do like you, Darcy," he said, sounding a bit hurt.

"No, I know, but it needs to be less of a 'I respect you and your efforts, Fellow Laborer in Science' and more of a 'let's get makey-outy,' know what I mean?"

As she hopped off the bar stool and stepped closer to him, Bruce's smile turned from friendly to flirty. His eyes darkened and he took them off hers to glance at her lips, then did an appreciative sweep of her entire party getup.

"Nice!" Darcy praised. "Now, put your arm around me." Bruce moved to do so, but Darcy had to correct him: "Around my  _ waist _ . Great. I'm sure we look super convincing."

"Now what?" 

"Now don't look at anybody but me, and we'll damn well walk out of here."

They had reached the elevators when both their phones went off at once.

"Jane," Darcy reported with a sigh, scanning the text. "She's happy I left with you, but was just about to introduce me to someone else." She turned to Bruce and rolled her eyes. "She hopes I have fun, though, so at least there's that."

"'Knew you had it in you,'" Bruce read, and shook his head. "Tony." 

"So what do we do now?" Bruce wanted to know.

"Uh..." Darcy wracked her brain. "Elope?"

Bruce let out a surprised laugh. "I don't know if we have to go  _ quite _ that far," he said.

"It'd make them leave us alone forever," Darcy argued.

"I don't know about that," Bruce said with another laugh. "Eventually Tony would start pestering us about Hulklings."

"Indefinite engagement, then?" she suggested.

"Maybe let's work up to that."

The elevator doors opened on Darcy's floor.

"You should probably come back to my apartment," Darcy said. "For a little while, anyway. It wouldn't be convincing otherwise. Coffee and pretend makeouts?"

Bruce smiled at her. "That sounds nice."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com/post/171898863378/ruse)
> 
> Tumblr: [catrinasl](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com)
> 
> Twitter: [@Catrina_SL](http://twitter.com/Catrina_SL)


	2. Platonic Truffles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy makes Bruce some very platonic truffles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 27\. “Try some.”

"Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!" Darcy skipped into the lab and set a tray in front of him. "Look!"

She pulled the cover off to reveal: "Are those...?" Bruce began. 

Darcy nodded enthusiastically. "Hazelnut truffles," she said. "Try some!"

He wiped a hand on his lab coat and did, his eyes closing in bliss. "God, Darcy, they're—"

"Are they okay? I made them myself."

He looked at her through a haze of truffle goodness and said, "You might be the planet's most perfect person."

Darcy laughed self-consciously, and her subsequent blush drew Jane over just as the truffles drew others.

"You jerks only get  _ one _ !" Darcy told the assembled lab techs. "These are for Bruce!"

"Hazelnut truffles?" Jane asked, when Darcy had beaten back the hordes and promised to bring the few remaining treats to Bruce's apartment that evening.

"He said he liked them, so..." Darcy said with a shrug.

"So Valentine's Day is coming up," Jane pointed out.

When Darcy didn't reply, Jane felt free to continue: "You know, I haven't asked you anything about the party last month."

"You're going to have to be more specific," Darcy replied nonchalantly, as she stashed the truffles in the lab fridge and went about writing a threatening note to protect them. "Tony Stark throws a lot of parties."

"You know the one I'm talking about," Jane said, pitching her voice lower. "The one that you and Bruce left. Together."

"Oh, that's right," Darcy said in an unconcerned tone, sounding exactly like she had forgotten all about it when in reality she'd been waiting for several torturous weeks for this exact conversation. "And I guess I never thanked you for not asking, since it's completely none of your business."

"Okay," Jane said, a knowing smile on her face. "I'm here whenever you want to talk, you know."

"I do know," Darcy assured her. She dusted off her hands and turned away from her sign: "Zappy Doom Awaits Any Who Disturbs 6 Hazelnut Truffles (and JARVIS  _ will _ tattle, so don't even think about it!!!)" The drawing of the truffles and the tasing of the possible stick figure transgressor was very menacing.

Jane kept the knowing smile for most of the afternoon, and Darcy just as doggedly (but with probably twice as much effort) kept up her air of indifference. She didn't even break when Bruce waved goodbye to her later that evening, even though that caused Jane to raise her eyebrow and grin like a successful yenta.

Darcy had to call Thor at 9 pm to drag Jane away from her science. Once that was taken care of, she pulled down the sign and retrieved the truffles (all six of them), and went to knock on Bruce's door.

"I didn't mean for these to cause such a reaction," she said as he thanked her and held the door open so she could enter. "I know we've been talking about some kind of stunt to pull for Valentine's, but I didn't mean to..." She sighed. "I honestly just made them because you said you liked them."

"And that's why you're the planet's most perfect person," Bruce told her, and she laughed.

" _ That _ is a  _ great _ line. Did you get it from Tony?"

"No, it was all me," he said, helping himself to another truffle and putting the rest away in the fridge for later. "Though, speaking of Tony..." He pulled out his phone, poked a few things, then scrolled up. "He's been texting me 'suggestions.' I guess Jane filled him in on what happened today."

Darcy rolled her eyes as she took the phone from him and sat down on one of the stools at the kitchen counter. "'Ladies love a home cooked meal,'" she read. "'That way you won't have to wait to finish dessert, if you know what I mean.' Ugh, even his winking emoji is lecherous!" She rolled her eyes again and set the phone down on the counter between them.

"It's not a bad idea, though," Bruce pointed out, licking chocolate truffle remnants from his fingers. "If we're here, behind closed doors, nobody will spot us playing Skee-Ball on Coney Island instead of going to a fancy romantic candlelit dinner."

Darcy tilted her head, considering it. "That's true," she allowed, "but I was all for the Skee-Ball idea. I would have kicked your ass."

Bruce laughed. "Another time, maybe."

"Okay," Darcy said, and let out a long sigh. "Do you want to order pizza or something?"

"No, I can cook," Bruce told her with a smile. "May as well make it look authentic, right?"

"Yeah, all right," she agreed, "but if there's a box of chocolates on the table for me when I get here on Saturday night, I'm leaving."

Bruce smiled. "You already got me chocolates," he reminded her.

"You know very well that those truffles are 100% platonic, Bruce Banner," she said, with mock severity.

"I do," he replied, grinning. "And I platonically thank you, Darcy."

"Well then," she said, as she headed for the door. "You're platonically welcome."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com/post/172358816203/platonic-truffles)
> 
> Tumblr: [catrinasl](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com)
> 
> Twitter: [@Catrina_SL](http://twitter.com/Catrina_SL)


	3. No Gushing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy is glad not to have to haul scientific equipment down from the 21st floor an into the van all by herself, but Bruce helping means that Jane is gushing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 28\. “Drive safely.”

Darcy blew out a long breath and begged any gods who might hear her for some patience.

Jane was gushing.

"Thank you  _ so much _ , Bruce, you saved us at least two trips. We really appreciate it!"

Darcy rolled her eyes. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate Bruce's help, it was that she knew that when Jane said "we," she meant 30% Jane and 70% Darcy, because she assumed that Darcy's other 40% (the part that didn't include being thankful that she didn't have to lug scientific equipment down from the 21st floor and into the van) was heart-fluttery, romantical, twitterpated love.

Which is not to say that Darcy didn't like Bruce, because she did. She just wasn't writing-his-name-in-hearts-on-her-notebook in love with him. 

And she was absolutely fine with Jane thinking she was as long as Bruce wasn't in the room. When Bruce was in the room, Jane turned into a secondary character from  _ Grease _ , giggling and casting knowing glances at both the "Main Characters." Bruce bore it with plenty of grace, but it drove Darcy nuts (though to be fair, they traded roles if Tony was in the room; Bruce spent the entire time with his head in his hands while Darcy just laughed and neither confirmed nor denied any of Tony's suppositions).

"So this is the last of it," Darcy said, setting her delicate piece of scientific equipment in the back of the van less carefully than she normally would have.

"We'll only be gone for a few days," Jane assured Bruce. "We should be back Thursday night, tops. It all depends on how fast Darcy drives, and considering what she'll be coming back to..." She winked cheesily at him.

"Ugh," Darcy objected. "What are you, my Jewish grandmother?"

"Your grandma will love Bruce!" Jane gasped excitedly. "Are you guys planning a trip home to see your folks anyti—"

"Okay well I already got our stuff so go ahead and get in let's go!!" Darcy interrupted quickly, pushing Jane toward the passenger side of the van. She shoved her in and shut the door on her, then looked over her shoulder to make sure the window was up before turning back to Bruce, who had stuck his hands in his pockets and was smiling, bemused.

"Have a good trip," he said.

"I'm sorry about her," Darcy said, rolling her eyes again.

Bruce waved a hand. "It's fine," he said. "When she gets going, I just start thinking about how many blind dates I  _ don't _ have to go on because she and Tony think we're together."

Darcy took a deep breath. "That's a pretty good strategy," she admitted. "I might steal that."

"You're welcome to," Bruce said, and followed Darcy around to the driver's side. Jane squealed when he held the door open for her, and Darcy imagined never having to explain exactly what she did for a living to a complete stranger ever again. It was surprisingly effective. 

So effective that she managed a warm smile at Bruce. "Thanks!"

"No problem," Bruce said. "Drive safely."

"Don't worry, Bruce, I won't let her drive  _ too _ fast on the way home," Jane began.

"Okay, thank you, goodbye!" Darcy said, and sped away.

Jane made no comment, but maintained a smug expression.

Darcy was thankful. She could take any amount of silent communication from her boss.

Anything but gushing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com/post/172379824023/no-gushing)
> 
> Tumblr: [catrinasl](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com)
> 
> Twitter: [@Catrina_SL](http://twitter.com/Catrina_SL)


	4. Better Than Energy Drinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce helps Darcy stay awake on the drive home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 49\. “Call me when you get home.”

Jane was finally asleep, which was both a good and bad thing. Good because sleep, bad because there wasn't anyone to keep Darcy awake. The radio was out of the question because the type of loud rock music that helped Darcy stay conscious while driving long into the night would definitely wake Jane, and her iPod battery was dead. There was no way she was playing "I Spy" by herself, and license plate-watching was only interesting when there was somebody else to argue with about whether or not they'd already spotted Kentucky. That left her phone, and unfortunately not in the 'Candy Crush on the subway' type of way.

It was late. She was going to disturb whoever she called.

"Darcy?" Bruce answered sleepily. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, fine," she replied. "I was just wondering if you'd be cool keeping me alive for a while."

"Keeping... you alive?"

Darcy grinned. One of the things she liked best about Bruce was that he never freaked out when she said something questionable. "Yeah, just talk to me a bit, maybe start shouting or call 911 if you hear snoring or a fiery crash coming through the phone."

Bruce chuckled. "All right."

So Darcy told him about their trip (uneventful), their sciencing (less fruitful than Jane had hoped, but exactly as fruitful as Darcy had anticipated), and the drive (sleeping Jane, sleepy Darcy, lack of access to loud rock music). Bruce told her about a party Tony had thrown (uneventful, without them), he and Tony's sciencing (fruitful, but not  _ too _ fruitful), and his evening (which he had spent alternately reading and wondering when they would return).

"Ooh, Kentucky! Have we seen a Kentucky yet?"

"I don't remember you mentioning it," Bruce said, a smile in his voice.

"Yessss. That's a solid 32. Might be a record."

"Congratulations."

"Okay, this time I'm  _ sure _ we're hitting the edge of Newark. Dover tried to trick me, but we are for serious Hudson-bound this time. Should be back in like an hour, maybe forty-five minutes if we're lucky."

"All right, well, call me when you get home so I know you didn't die."

Darcy laughed. "I will. And depending on how asleep Jane is, you could help us unload the van!"

"I can't say I'm looking forward to that, but it will be nice to have you back."

"Don't let Tony hear you say that!" Darcy joked.

"I can miss you for you and not have it be part of our elaborate fake relationship," Bruce informed her.

"If you must," Darcy allowed with a laugh. "I missed you too, Bruce."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com/post/173262529648/better-than-energy-drinks)
> 
> Tumblr: [catrinasl](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com)
> 
> Twitter: [@Catrina_SL](http://twitter.com/Catrina_SL)


	5. Warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's half past ridiculous o'clock, the Scientists Three are talking Science, but all Darcy really cares about is that Bruce is warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 70\. “You’re warm.”

It was half past ridiculous o'clock when they were finally finished unloading the van. That wasn't saying much, though, because they'd gotten back to the Tower at ridiculous:05. Having Bruce  _ and _ Tony to help them was awesome, but one major drawback was that Tony asked science questions, Jane woke up enough to answer them, and as a result, she was determined to go back to the lab.

Darcy didn't care about that, honestly. Logistics-wise, an astrophysicist all-nighter would work in her favor, because she could put Jane to bed the next morning when most of their co-workers would be showing up for work, and not only would Darcy be able to put away their equipment in peace, if she was lucky, Jane would sleep through the whole day and into the night, and actually catch up on some sleep for once.

She wasn't really listening to the Scientists Three anymore, really. She was sitting on Jane's couch next to Bruce, who was following the science conversation but not contributing much. Darcy wondered sleepily if he was as tired as she was.

"Yeah, but if you science science, then you could science science  _ science _ !" Tony argued.

"No," Jane told him, "only if you  _ sci _ ence science Science science."

"You could try science," Bruce suggested.

Tony and Jane looked at one another as though Bruce had spoken the science gospel. Darcy slid over and clonked her head against Bruce's shoulder.

"You're warm," she said. It was nice. Warm was much better than not warm.

Bruce said something, and both Tony and Jane responded. It sounded positive. 

Actually, it sounded quieter. Darcy pried one of her eyes open. 

The room was darker. Only the lamp next to Bruce was on, presumably so he could see the book he was reading. Someone had put a blanket over her.

"Whassgoinon?" she slurred.

"You fell asleep," Bruce explained. "The other two went upstairs to try out a couple of theories, but everybody thought I should stay to keep you company."

"You're keeping me  _ warm _ ," Darcy corrected.

Bruce laughed. "Sure."

"Thanks for that," she said with a yawn.

"No problem, Darcy," he said. "You can go back to sleep if you want."

So she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com/post/173770459888/warm)
> 
> Tumblr: [catrinasl](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com)
> 
> Twitter: [@Catrina_SL](http://twitter.com/Catrina_SL)


	6. Sharing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy shows up to a meeting fifteen minutes late with Starbucks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 74\. “We can share.”

Darcy showed up to the big important meeting fifteen minutes late with Starbucks. The lady in HR who was running the thing glared at her, so Darcy glared back, communicating exactly what she thought about an 8 am start time.

She spotted the Scientists Three in the back and made her way toward them, around lounging lab techs and bored administrative assistants. Tony's attention was on the tablet in front of him, but at least he was quiet, and Jane split her time in being annoyed at having to be here instead of in her lab and in looking over Tony's shoulder. Bruce smiled at Darcy as she reached them, and stood, offering her the stool he'd been sitting on.

"No," she hissed, waving his gallantry away. "I can stand, it's okay."

The whispered exchange of civilities that followed attracted not only the attention of their matchmakers, who watched with pleased smiles, but also the rest of the room, and finally the self-important HR lady running the meeting.

"Miss Lewis?" she called. "Doctor Banner? Would you mind saving your flirting for  _ after _ the meeting?"

"Fine," Darcy gave in, pulling Bruce down onto the stool with her. "We can share."

The HR lady glared again, and Darcy gave her a look that said she was perfectly comfortable (even though she wasn't) squished against Bruce with half her butt on the stool, called out like a high school kid in biology class.

Tony and Jane's snickering didn't help with the 'transported back to high school' feeling.

The meeting went on, and a few minutes later Bruce whispered, "Next time I'll just take the seat and let you stand."

Darcy stifled a laugh. " _ Thank you _ ."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com/post/173898854543/sharing)
> 
> Tumblr: [catrinasl](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com)
> 
> Twitter: [@Catrina_SL](http://twitter.com/Catrina_SL)


	7. Real and Fake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy's fake boyfriend gets her a real present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 76\. “I want you to have this.”

"Pizza!" Darcy announced, when Bruce didn't immediately answer her movie night door-kicks. "Got hot pizza here, not a good idea to keep a pizza girl waiting!"

Steve walked down the hallway and gave her a silent but knowing smile. She smiled back, not in the mood for chat, and figured that at least now they had a witness to testify that she and Bruce had indeed spent the evening together. It wasn't that Darcy hated spending time with Bruce, but when they went to the effort of making something look date-y, it made Tony and Jane happy, and since they were both out of the building...

"Sorry," Bruce said, pulling the door open and taking the pizzas from her. "I was... uh, come in."

"What's up?" Darcy asked, frowning a little at his demeanor.

"It's, uh... well," he sighed and set a long box out on the counter in front of her. "I want you to have this."

"What is it?" She poked at it. It looked fancy. That could mean only one thing. "Is this a  _ present _ ?"

Bruce let out another sigh. "Tony said I should get it for you. He's been bugging me for weeks. When I didn't,  _ he _ bought it, and said that he was going to make sure I appreciated you if I wasn't going to make the effort."

"Uh, but I do know you appreciate me," Darcy said. "I don't need a real present for being your fake girlfriend."

"Well, you've got one. I'm sorry."

Darcy pulled the box closer. "It's okay. At least it was Tony and not Jane. She's been threatening to take me lingerie shopping."

Bruce's face turned red while Darcy opened the box. "I... tried to tell Tony it wasn't your style..."

"It's a diamond tennis bracelet," Darcy observed. “With diamonds.”

"I know," Bruce said. 

"When have I ever worn or given the impression that I would wear a diamond tennis bracelet?"

"Never," Bruce replied. "Don't worry, I'll get Tony to take it back."

"No, I got this," Darcy said, pulling the expensive piece of jewelry out of the box and presenting her wrist for Bruce to fasten it on. "When he and Jane get back from the thing, I'll talk to him about it."

Bruce looked apprehensive, but nodded. "It looks nice on you," he offered.

Darcy smiled. "Thanks, fake boyfriend, for my real present."

He laughed. "You're welcome."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com/post/173959366373/real-and-fake)
> 
> Tumblr: [catrinasl](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com)
> 
> Twitter: [@Catrina_SL](http://twitter.com/Catrina_SL)


	8. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy walks in on some hot lab gossip and decides... it's the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 77\. “Call me if you need anything.”

Darcy had been carrying around Tony's stupid bracelet for weeks, trying to work up the courage to say something to him without blowing the whole "fake relationship" thing. It was a good, if dangerous reminder; every time she saw it she got mad at Tony, but at the same time she had to make sure Jane hadn't seen it, or Darcy would have to endure another lecture about wedding reception venues in Upstate New York.

And then one Friday she went on an evening coffee run.

One drink carrier was much easier than her usual burden, but since everyone else had gone home, she'd only had to order for herself and the Scientists Three. When she returned, she spotted Bruce working in his usual spot, earbuds in his ears and a look of concentration on his face. Jane wasn't where Darcy had left her, but it didn't take her long to find the astrophysicist.

She was next to the mini-fridge, within sight of Bruce.

With Tony.

Darcy could tell by their body language that they were in full Gossip Mode™, but she didn't know whether Bruce was blissfully unaware or pointedly ignoring them. 

"I mean, I know it's none of our business, but am I a terrible person for wanting to know anyway?" Jane was saying.

"No more terrible than I am," Tony replied.

"That doesn't help," Jane told him, and Tony laughed.

"I'm pretty sure they have," he said. "I mean, Valentine's Day..."

"If not then, maybe when we got back from our last research trip?" Jane suggested.

"Could be," Tony allowed. "We did leave them on your couch, and then Bruce didn't join us in the lab."

"Not to mention they were gone when I got back."

Tony shrugged.

"But, I mean..." Jane began, gesturing at Bruce. "I know  _ he's _ not one to brag about his personal life, but usually it's TMI City, USA within a thirty mile radius of Darcy when she's  _ with _ someone."

Tony waved a hand. "I can solve this."

"How?" Jane wanted to know.

"I'll ask him."

"You'll  _ ask _ him if they're sleeping together. Just 'hey Bruce, how's your sex life? Fulfilling? Active? Darcy-licious?'"

"'Darcy-licious,'" Tony repeated, with a laugh. "I'll have to remember that one."

Jane sighed. "I'm just worried. Sometimes they seem super cute together, and other times I could swear that they're just friends."

Darcy let out a long sigh. She'd heard enough.

Jane jumped and laughed nervously, then slugged Tony on the arm, presumably to quiet him. 

Darcy lugged the drinks over to Bruce and pulling one of his earbuds free.

"You're back," he observed, and reached for his coffee. "Thanks."

"I'm breaking up with you," Darcy announced. "Sorry."

Bruce looked surprised, but his reaction was nothing to the others'. Jane gasped dramatically, and Tony sputtered, "But... why?!"

Darcy turned to face them and tugged the unnecessary jewelry out of her bag. "Because it's just too much, don't you think?" She glanced up at Bruce. He still looked a little blindsided, but he wasn't trying to stop her. "Sorry I didn't check with you first."

"Darcy," Jane said, stepping toward them carefully as though sudden moves would startle them. "What are you doing?"

"Deciding to say no," Darcy told her. She held the bracelet box out for Tony, and he stepped forward to take it, looking slightly shell shocked.

"If you're ending things because we—" he began.

"We  _ started _ things because of you," Darcy interrupted. "We've never been together romantically. Or sexually. We've never been anything but platonic friends who wanted to get a couple of matchmakers off our backs by pretending to date. And I think we both benefited, but it's too much now. You're buying me presents." She gestured at Tony, then Jane. "You're trying to marry me off."

Jane opened her mouth to reply, then stopped to consider, and started again. "We— _ I _ —only want you to be happy. I didn't... realize I was making you unhappy."

"Well, you are," Darcy told her. "And I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings with this whole thing, but you weren't listening to me when I tried to tell you I didn't want to get fixed up, so I decided to try doing something that  _ would _ get you to stop."

"But..." Jane began, glancing at Tony for backup. "You seem so lonely by yourself, especially when Thor is around and monopolizing me. And I mean...doesn't everybody want a relationship?"

"No," Darcy said softly. "Not everyone. Not like that."

"But... Bruce...."

"He's too nice to say no. To Tony, I mean." She turned to Bruce to check some statistics. "How many dates did you  _ not _ have to go on because of this?"

"Uh... a lot?" he replied, glancing at Tony. "You had somebody new for me to go out with at least twice a week, and I felt kind of bad turning all those people down all the time."

"Honestly, I should have said something sooner, but I think all the secret whispering and assumptions you guys got up to were better than you trying to set us up," Darcy told Jane. "And you're right; usually I do talk about it a lot when I've got a sexual partner. But faking  _ that _ seemed like it would be going too far."

Jane didn't respond; she just stared at the floor.

"I think I'm done. I'll see you guys on Monday."

Darcy stopped to grab her drink out of the carrier, and saw that Bruce was following her. 

At the door of the lab, he whispered, "Call me if you need anything, all right?"

She nodded. "Thanks, Bruce. And I'm sorry."

He smiled. "It's fine. I understand."

She smiled back, squeezed his arm, and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com/post/173990576358/the-end)
> 
> Tumblr: [catrinasl](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com)
> 
> Twitter: [@Catrina_SL](http://twitter.com/Catrina_SL)


	9. Outing After Outing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy calls Bruce at 4 am to explain the whole "breaking up with him" thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 90\. “You can tell me anything.”

"Darcy?"

"Hi!" She didn't mean to sound so surprised and chipper, but she hadn't expected to Bruce to answer on the first ring at four AM.

She also didn't expect Bruce to ask, "How are you doing?" like she'd driven herself to the ER with self-diagnosed appendicitis.

"I'm... I'm okay." She sighed. "I wanted to call and apologize for all the drama. I didn't really plan to out us; I just..."

"Is it Jane?" Bruce asked softly.

"Yeah," Darcy admitted. "I don't know if you heard it, but the main reason I pulled the plug on our excellent ruse was because she— _ they _ were talking about us."

"Wasn't that the point?" he replied, curious, not resentful.

"They were talking about us having sex," Darcy clarified.

Bruce was quiet for a moment. "Oh."

"And I mean, not that you're not bangin', Bruce, but I just... couldn't anymore. Like, when were we gonna say 'enough is enough'? On our golden anniversary? To our sixteen grandchildren? Our fake relationship wasn't ever going to be enough for them."

Bruce made a noise that meant he was considering her words.

"And Jane—I mean, she wasn't wrong—but she said that I always overshare whenever I've got a buddy."

"A buddy?"

"A pal. A friend. A dance partner. For sexytimes."

"Ah," Bruce said. "Did that... did she hurt your feelings by saying that?"

"No, not with the true part. It was the  _ way _ she said it, like it was wrong to do that kind of thing? I don't mean oversharing, I mean having a relationship with someone that's based on sex alone. It's... so tiring, having people tell me that all the time."

"I can imagine," Bruce replied.

"And honestly—" Darcy began, then paused. She wasn't sure she wanted to show her entire self, but Bruce was a good friend; she thought maybe he would understand. "Can I be real for a minute?"

Bruce let out a soft laugh. "Of course, Darcy. You can tell me anything."

She sighed, getting rid of some nervousness. "Honestly, the whole fake relationship thing we had going on was pretty much my ideal situation. I wouldn't mind upping the sex frequency to like, a bazillion, but a lot of times that messes with the platonic side of things, so..."

"Oh," said Bruce. "You're aromantic."

Darcy blinked in surprise, glanced at her phone to make sure she was still awake, then answered, "Yeah, I… I am. People usually don't know what I'm talking about if I just come out and say that. It always takes me a million years to explain."

"I did some research a while back to figure out an easier way to tell Tony why I don't want to date."

Darcy gasped. "Dude, are you ace?!"

"I'm not," Bruce replied, a smile in his voice. "I'm celibate by choice, but try explaining that to Tony Stark. The 'why's are innumerable."

"Oh," Darcy said, frowning. "Is it super rude of me to have a 'why' of my own?"

Bruce laughed. "No, go ahead."

"Why are you celibate by choice?"

Bruce sighed, but he didn't sound annoyed, just a little sad. "It has to do with The Other Guy. Well, really  _ how _ I... when I... Gamma radiation doesn't really do nice things to a person. It's a question of toxicity."

"Toxicity?" Darcy echoed.

He hummed agreement. "My... transformation... was unique. It was a miracle I survived. And my blood is... it can harm normal humans. Before the Avengers, when I was on the run in Brazil, I worked at a bottling company as a maintenance guy."

"You? Maintenance?"

"I fixed stuff," Bruce said, sounding modest. "I can fix things."

"Sure, yeah, brilliant physicist on the run has to take any job he can get, I'm with you," Darcy told him.

"I cut my finger once, when I was working up on the catwalks, and a drop of my blood fell down, and I tried, but... I couldn't... I couldn't find where it went. Into the bottles somewhere. And I... after Harlem, I found out that the company was being sued."

"Sued?"

"A consumer died from drinking one of their sodas."

"Bruce, you don't  _ know _ it was because of you," Darcy told him.

"No, I do," he sighed. "A friend of mine managed to get hold of the tox report; even with the time it took for someone to find him, the levels were still too elevated for it to be a coincidence."

"Bruce..."

"It's okay," Bruce told her, in his oft-used self-denying tone. "I don't  _ need _ sex for a relationship to be important to me, and I don't  _ want _ to endanger someone I love just to lose them because I—"

"Okay," Darcy interrupted. "I'm coming over because I need to hug you."

Bruce laughed, but it sounded like he'd rather be crying. "The door's open."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com/post/174469022138/outing-after-outing)
> 
> Tumblr: [catrinasl](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com)
> 
> Twitter: [@Catrina_SL](http://twitter.com/Catrina_SL)


	10. Eventually, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy and Bruce discuss the aftermath of their actual fake relationship and what their plan is for eventually. And Monday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 92\. “I want you to be happy.”

Bruce stood when Darcy opened the door, and she took three steps before her head hit his chest. She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed.

He did one of those laugh-but-it's-really-crying things again and paused to pull off his glasses and set them on the counter before hugging her back.

Darcy wasn't actually sure how long they stood there, just holding each other, but eventually Bruce stepped back with a sigh and gave her a smile. "I think I needed that."

"Me too," Darcy agreed.

"So... what do we do now?"

"You mean like  _ now _ now or 'eventually/Monday' now?"

Bruce shrugged. "Both?"

"Well I think now now requires more cuddles. Cuddles will inspire us to decide what to do Eventually Monday."

"Good call," Bruce said with a nod. "Couch or bed?"

"I will 100% fall asleep on you either way, so you pick."

Bruce laughed. "Head on in. I'll make you some hot chocolate."

"I'm just going to spill it on your bedspread again," Darcy called as she started toward the door to Bruce's bedroom.

She was at least half asleep when he joined her, setting her hot chocolate and glass of wine for himself on the bedside table before flopping down on the bed next to her.

Darcy cuddled up to him with a sleepy sigh. "Okay, now now is taken care of. What's your vote for Eventually Monday?"

It took him a while, but Bruce drew in a breath and said, "Can't we just stay like this?"

"Cuddled on your bed?" Darcy asked, her eyes closed and her head on his chest.

"Well, yes and no. I... was upset when you said you were 'breaking up with me' earlier. I understand why you did it, but I just wish we didn't have to end our friendship."

"Who said we were ending our friendship?" Darcy asked, lifting her head and looking him in the eye.

"Isn't that what... breaking up means?" Bruce asked, reaching for his wine.

"I meant I was breaking up with my actual fake boyfriend, not that I didn't wanna come over and fall asleep on your couch watching documentaries anymore."

Bruce couldn't answer right away because of the wine, but Darcy suspected he was actually stalling; he waited to say something until the glass was back on the bedside table. And even then it was only, "Okay."

She sat up. "Okay? That's it?"

"Yeah."

She shook him a little. "Say more words, Bruce. I want you to be happy; help me help you be happy."

Bruce shook his head, but smiled as he put his arm around her and tugged her back down next to him. "I just wish... we could stay like this. You know? It's pretty good, right? We both have someone we care about, who cares about us, but doesn't push us to go further than we want to go. You said on the phone earlier that this was your ideal situation, but I think it might be mine, too. Do you know how hard it would be for me to find someone like you, who understood and respected the fact that I want to be close to them, but not have sex?"

Darcy nodded. "Like a bazillion years."

Bruce hummed agreement. "So if we end our 'fake' relationship, could we... have a real one? A supportive platonic friendship?"

"Where we eat pizza on your couch and talk until 3 am and are each other's dates to stupid work parties and don't have to go on blind dates," Darcy added.

"And where I support you if you find a... what did you call it? A dance partner?"

"For sexytimes."

"Sure." Bruce chuckled, then hugged Darcy closer. "I'm pretty happy now, in case you were wondering."

Darcy grinned into his shirt. "Awesome."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com/post/174572745893/eventually-monday)
> 
> Tumblr: [catrinasl](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com)
> 
> Twitter: [@Catrina_SL](http://twitter.com/Catrina_SL)


	11. They Live Happily Ever After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy and Bruce live happily ever after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I love you.”

Darcy sighed loudly. At the sound of her bag hitting the counter, Bruce looked up from the "homework" he'd brought down from the lab.

"How did it go?"

"Okay," Darcy admitted. "Jane's definitely sorry for all the nagging and yenta-ing, but she still... doesn't get it. She's 'happy that we're happy,' and she's gonna try to get better at being understanding about it."

"That's not as bad as we thought it might be," Bruce reminded her.

"I guess so," she said with another sigh. "I just wish everybody was as understanding as you."

"Oh!" Bruce hopped up and started searching his pockets. "That reminds me. You know the girl from I.T. who's been trying to get the lab synced up with everything else?"

Darcy raised an eyebrow. "The girl I not-so-secretly have a crush on?"

"She and I got to talking, and..." He found what he'd apparently been looking for and held out a piece of paper to Darcy. "I told her about you and me, and, well, you, and she told me to give you this."

"This is Hot I.T. Girl's _phone number_ , Bruce Banner. You are officially the best actual fake boyfriend ever! I totally love you."

Bruce laughed. "I know."

She looked up at him with a little smile. "Okay, but like, I do love you, like for real."

He leaned forward and kissed her on the head. "I know what you meant. I love you too, Darcy."

"Yessss," Darcy hissed, and hugged Bruce around the middle. "Okay. I'm gonna text Hot I.T. Girl and then hop in the shower. Pizza and documentaries after?"

Bruce smiled at her. "That sounds nice."

And they lived happily ever after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com/post/174600608238/they-live-happily-ever-after)
> 
> Tumblr: [catrinasl](http://catrinasl.tumblr.com)
> 
> Twitter: [@Catrina_SL](http://twitter.com/Catrina_SL)


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